“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.