rich people when they have to pay taxes
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Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Squirrels before girls.