Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Got ya covered
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?