A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
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If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table