Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.