I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Rather alarming headline…
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
こいつ天才
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.