“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
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Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle