My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
can’t bark with your mouth full
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Anyone really
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.