reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
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This sounds bad:
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”