pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
smh
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*