My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!