Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Yes
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”