Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Am I having a stroke?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Boating season is upon us.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
translated into Canadian
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee