When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
You Might Also Like
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.