Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
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*jingles half the way*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for