Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything