The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
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Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.