I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.