The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
it’s finally my moment to shine
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE