LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.