LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.