When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
i meant to share this earlier
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!