Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.