@TragicAllyHere

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

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@mrjohndarby

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

@bingowings14

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@radtoria

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

@jwoodham

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

@Renanumber5

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

@0v3rthOught

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you