@zachreinert0 
@TragicAllyHere [I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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@zachreinert0 
@mrjohndarby me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
@bingowings14 [My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
@michael_raphone BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
@radtoria picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
@jwoodham But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
@causticbob If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
@cerealtndencies *Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
@Renanumber5 Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
@0v3rthOught Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you