[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?
Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you