[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

You Might Also Like


me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?


[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.


BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan


picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked


But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?


If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.


Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again


Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you