There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
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When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Important
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.