gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
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“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…