Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
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A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Ghost costume 😂
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes