My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
You Might Also Like
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
OH. COME. ON.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.