Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”