Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Reset password

‘SevenDays’

Your password is week

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.