“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house