My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I have two kinds of followers
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
This is my emotional support knife.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever