Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
damn he’s good
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…