Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
From my Mom
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?