Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
i choose….tongue
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.