Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
my nickname in college
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Strange
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I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Breaking news:
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.