Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral