Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
You Might Also Like
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]