He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.


I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.


[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?


Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?


I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.


hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins