He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
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[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
🍞🦆
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Who chose this font
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”