@Mysteresa1

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

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@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@MorganJ7

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

@internetluke

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

@ScottLinnen

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

@Donna_McCoy

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.

@ArfMeasures

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

@OlanDevine

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@70Ceeks

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins