Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.