If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
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Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.