on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
May never get over this
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner