my retirement plan is braless
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.