Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.