me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…