Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.