“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog