“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.