Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?