Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Travel bloggers during quarantine
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
They grow up so quick
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.