replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.


Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.



Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.


WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
M: I’m in a bar not far from there


Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.


If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.


When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”


A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.


I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.


I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.