replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Had an epiphany today.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!