I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…