We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Noah was an idiot.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.